I AM HUMAN! NOT A ROBOT OR ANIMAL!

IM FCK PISSED today man….. OIC of my cca, but i cant show my leadership skills as our SNCOs are interfering with our plans. We also cant command the squad as they wanted the job. Why cant they stop coming back and let us do the work. If they have no confident on us, then i want them to ask themselves, who train us? Its them right? Then whats the NCO course for? Isnt it for the corp when the Sec 4s step down. I ask myself this question, why people in NCC and NPCC most of them are willing to come for CCA. I found that their SNCO seldom come back. I WISH ours will do the same thing too. Do they come back because they have no life other then St John? If thats the case, why not find work? or they hang out together?  If they have some unfinished business, why they cant they let us handle? As Mr Kim say, what the SNCO do is eye power. I had lots of pressure from the Sec2s as they are very unhappy about the competition and from the Sec4s as they kept on commenting about what im doing whenever they had one, i mean they can comment but not as and when they what. Also, some SNCOs are pressing on the problem of using foolscap or lined paper to put on notice. Why can i use that? Why cant i break the tradition? In the world of crisis on Global Warming, we should cut our Carbon Footprint. Im just doing my part as a RESPONSIBLE citizen to cut our Carbon Footprint. Is that difficult to UNDERSTAND?

I rather have SNCO Ranson, SNCO See Wee to come back and teach us how to run the corp properly or something. I felt like shouting at them to GO AWAY! DONT COME BACK!  I just hope that there is understanding between all of us. The stress is too much man.. CCA and school work together.. thats is absurb! Whats more im working on my scholarship… AAAAAHHHHHH…. French HORN! 

One song for them man….
Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka.
You’re a cock-sucking, ass-licking uncle fucka.
You’re an uncle fucka, yes it’s true.
NOBODY fucks uncles quite like you.
Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka.
You’re the one who fucked your uncle, uncle fucka.
You don’t eat or sleep or mow the lawn, just fuck your uncle all day long!
- Random Farts -
Uncle fucka.Uncle fucka. Uncle fucka. Uncle fucka.
Shut your fucking face, uncle fucker. (Uncle fucker.)
You’re a boner-biting bastard uncle fucker.
You’re an uncle fucka, I must say.
Well, you fucked your uncle yesterday! Ahahaha.
Uncle fucker, that’s U-N-C-L-E fuck you!
Uncle fucker!!!! Suck my balls.

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Simply Stress or Peers Stress?

yeah, didnt post for the past four months… many things did happen… Had completed the BNCO course… Had a great Christmas and New Year  with couz they all in the parties… Met my long lost friend in primary from Davao in SINGAPORE! they came looking for me.. im so touched la. coz after these years, they still remember me.. now keeping contact through Yahoo Messenger….

Those are the fun part. Now, 2009, lots of changesin my life. School starts, means O’ Level is coming, soon… Get peers stress in class. Didnt like some of the teacher teaching my class… first 4 days, didnt have friends in class except for 2e2 people…. Lessons are boring la… 

Walan ehh.. Sec4s put the Sec3  in charge of CCA fair  then in the end Cheryl and me organise with the help of John and Hsier..  Now, im the head in my CCA.  TIC put me as OC! And was set as  IMMEDIATE EFFECT! My batch was not prepared at all… I can see some unhappy Sec4s lor…. because of that, im cant concentrate on my studies… Somemore i have PEERS STRESS in my CCA… first CCA day  for the year i conduct… Didnt know what to do… i thought the Sec4s are guidingus? but i somehow felt like they are washingtheir hands off this planning of CCA Fair and went to plan the SJAB Annual Camp. French Horn la.. Camp is 2 months away and CCA fair is this month. Imnot blamingthem for planningthe Camp, but at least make us feel that you all are helping us la..

Today is the CCA fair. Im quite pissed la. Walan ehhhhh the Triage was cool, but the PA System!arhhhgggg… Wee Tengwas walking back and forth because of baboy! Gaga talaga siya… Wala mahimo…. pagkaon lang uy! byusit… Jun Liang dont want to cooperate lor.. walan ehh…

See Wee and Ransonsay i did a good job already, but i think everythingstrewed up because of me… being OIC is difficult lor, lots of challenges…. It only destroy my friendship with the Sec4s and Sec3s. Siguro, mas mabuti pa mag alis ako sa posistion ko. Mahirap maging OIC no.. Akala ng iba dyan, madali lang ang trabaho na to. Kanina, nag usap kami nila yu jun at yong xian. sa una, sabi nila wala ako kasalanan, pero sa bandang huli, sabi nila, ako ang may sala. Ano ba talaga? Kaninong sala ito? Ako? or Lahat. Siguro, yung naka intindi nito, mag sabi kayo na Coward ako. No? Ito lang ang paraan na mabuhos ko ang galit and stress ko eh… sana huwag niyo ipagsabi sa iba.

Anyway, i want to thank YU JUN, SEE WEE, RANSONand CHESTER plus those people who i ask to come and help us( sorry for not writingyou name down )for helping our CCAfair. Thanks to John for talking to me! ahaha…. anyway, my smile wont last for long…

And also, i went to collect my Scholarship Award…. =.= so random….

God Bless you and guide you!

Yap Brian Jay Padilla Zhi Xiang

FCUKED PISSED

Im sure if its right to throw my anger to my blog… Im not coward or anything.. if i am, i wouldnt put this up in my blog. Im just UTTER PISSED OFFF by a group of people… I just had my blood test yesterday, and yes, i got Hypoglycaemia. For those who dont know whats that, it basically a Low Sugar Blood Level. I slept for as long as 6 hours and i think i slept in one position causing a backache on my back.

Anyway, then i went for CCA. They did allow me to stay in the class. Then, i taught the GB for a short while cause the lecturer was kind of asking me to teach them. So, i just teach them… Then, ’they’ sort of not happy with me and asked me to let the lecturer teach. Well, i just let them. They sort of dont like my teaching. ‘ Next time, when you are conducting a lecture on first aid, make sure you read you notes before you teach cause you sort blur blur….’  

After the lecture was over, the GB need to do something. So we need to end. Then i went a ‘improper’ footdrill. ‘ Thought back pain cannot do footdrill.’ You know when i heard that, I WISH, I REALLY WISH to turn back to time and stay at PHILIPPINES to study. Even though i away from my parents, i HAD GREAT friends, and UNDERSTANDING friends around me. At least Pilipinos are more Kind and caring then SOME Singaporeans.

After the hell of FOOTDrill, they had games. Yeah, guess what the WEAK PEOPLE cant do any games.  I was pissed again as i was NOT allowed to play. Yeah right. At Most, my team lost with fun. Why cant YOU ALL Allow me to play? WOrst is that MOTHERFCKER JIAHAO commented alot of unpleasant stuff on four of us.

I was so FCked up. But im Lucky enough to have Friends to cheer me up. I thanked lord for it.

FCUKED PISSED

Im sure if its right to throw my anger to my blog… Im not coward or anything.. if i am, i wouldnt put this up in my blog. Im just UTTER PISSED OFFF by a group of people… I just had my blood test yesterday, and yes, i got Hypoglycaemia. For those who dont know whats that, it basically a Low Sugar Blood Level. I slept for as long as 6 hours and i think i slept in one position causing a backache on my back.

Anyway, then i went for CCA. They did allow me to stay in the class. Then, i taught the GB for a short while cause the lecturer was kind of asking me to teach them. So, i just teach them… Then, ’they’ sort of not happy with me and asked me to let the lecturer teach. Well, i just let them. They sort of dont like my teaching. ‘ Next time, when you are conducting a lecture on first aid, make sure you read you notes before you teach cause you sort blur blur….’  

After the lecture was over, the GB need to do something. So we need to end. Then i went a ‘improper’ footdrill. ‘ Thought back pain cannot do footdrill.’ You know when i heard that, I WISH, I REALLY WISH to turn back to time and stay at PHILIPPINES to study. Even though i away from my parents, i HAD GREAT friends, and UNDERSTANDING friends around me. At least Pilipinos are more Kind and caring then SOME Singaporeans.

After the hell of FOOTDrill, they had games. Yeah, guess what the WEAK PEOPLE cant do any games.  I was pissed again as i was NOT allowed to play. Yeah right. At Most, my team lost with fun. Why cant YOU ALL Allow me to play? WOrst is that MOTHERFCKER JIAHAO commented alot of unpleasant stuff on four of us.

I was so FCked up. But im Lucky enough to have Friends to cheer me up. I thanked lord for it.

Why?

i felt very very very very terrible nowadays… i thought i could cope with it… but im proven wrong again… WHY? Im like a stupid fool… i dont understand them…. i felt like im not given a second chance…. Is it true that the power of love could take these away?? i wish they could… Im alone in this journey… i hope i could change my school and start fresh! Seen Ping’s pictures in facebook… He doesnt seemed to have trouble with his sisters… i remember last time he told the class that he and his sister have conflicts and cant get along… mayb he had sorted out… i know i shouldnt be jealous of him but his family is soSOOOOOO supportive…  even my badmintion tournament, NO one as in NONE of my family, friends and classmates turn up to support me… only my some soccer friends and some ’stage one’ friends came and support me… does this mean im not important to them or it mean im not a good friend?  Am i a horrible friend? mayb thats the reason why they hated me soooooo much…. i cant end my life, then is there any other way????

meaningless

wahhh… damn irritated by mathew…. maybe because of him, i lost a friend. he thought he is right all the time…. i just dont want to argue with him because its a waste of energy… he would make you feel down and small… but i found a nearly lost friend though… at least, someone tried to make my day…. today is sooo meaningless….

how?

i dont know what had happened to me today… after the FAILURE project, had a bad mood… im feeling down… i felt like all my friends,family and teachers are taken away… Since Mathew returned, i felt like all the trust my teachers had on me is gone.. is just like having a long lost brother and the attention were on the brother… i know i shouldnt feel that way but i do…

i felt abandoned, by my parents. i felt like they dont care me…. this morning was goin to be late and i requested some extra money for taxi and she didnt give me, instead she scolded me.. but if my did the same thing, she would give. WHY??? why such this happened? am i ADOPTED??? if i do, what should i do?? recently, i ask for $2 for a charity stuff and she scolded me again… my asked more than me and yet she gave her without asking question…. im so confused… am i REALLY ADOPTED??? if i do, wad should i do?? i been feeling last week and felt better after awhile and i came back again… i told myself not to resort to that again… i never teared like this before…i thought god will be by my side always… but i dont feel like he’s beside me… i wish to know the truth about my life… im CONFUSED and LOST once again…

mixed…

i dont know where should i start.. i had a mixture of happines and saddness…. i didnt know what happened.. i suddenly felt lonely, unwanted and terrible… i sat alone in class.. made me remind of those people….im not blaming the class for that… whats more i got a headache after Osim Triathalon… damn bad.. fell, felt giddy and blurred vision after class… am i weak? or am i strong?

i slept after i reached home with my terrible feelings.. i dont know what to do.. had a bad dream. after that, i sms him(B) if he could talk to me. i dont know who to talk to… i am confused and lost. i felt better after that.(THANKS!) then after a few hours, i called him(A). talked to him and felt better. but (B)’s word cant get off my mind. ‘Why cant you talk to your parents?’ then, like god answered my pray, my mom talked to me. asked me about school. told her everything. i cried and she hugged me.. i never get hug since P2!. i felt so good… i didnt know mother’s love is so great! but nothing could change the fact that they are still have a freezing war with me…

Found?

yeah… im found in the sea but im dead… i cant start… after talking to her..  i felt better…. but i cant decide where to start… should i just be a loner or outcast or should i just let GOD decide what to do? im not sure where to go…  but there guidelines, mayb i shall start from theree/???? yeah.. they my cat class friends whos  been there since the beginning… well, maybe should go for soul searching.  After the that personality test, results were shocking! iM IRRITATING and NOISY… I could accept NOISY cuz i realized it during my Con 2 Camp…. but irritating? im not sure… maybe bah… can anyone tell me?

Thanks Ben, Leah, Aloysius, Iris and Mark! Love?

Lost…

I felt better today… But the feeling is still there… i don’t know what to do… i can’t look back and see the people who are there for me.. I’m not saying i don’t appreciate what my church friends did for me and told me…. but i seemed to be looking at one view and not looking for a better one.. I dont me them…. in fact i hate them… they brought me to this stage… i want to go back and start fresh! but how? Last night i just realized that im such a nuisance to church friends… what should i do? 

then i opened the bible… randomly…  i found this verse? quite meaningful…

” Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate a wide and the road is easy that leads to destruction, and there are many who taken it. For the gate is narrow and the road is hard that leads to life, and there are a few who find it.” Matthew 7 : 13-14

Yeah.. its right… life is hard to walk… it takes hard souls to go through them….

im really lost….